Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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