and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
