I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
