sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
