I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
