If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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