We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
