i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
