yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
