The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
