community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
