the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
