Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i out mim tonsoeep
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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