Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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