I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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