Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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