Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
