Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We are all done wearing pants today
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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