my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
