youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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