I think I died a long time ago.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I need to calm my uterus...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
