I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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