i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
