i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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