she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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