Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
