My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
