Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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