You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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