I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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