I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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