I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just threw up on my dentist
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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