You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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