Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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