She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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