I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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