it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
