even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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