she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
