I wanna bring you to show and tell
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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