An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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