How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
