well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
