I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We have started to decorate penises.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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