Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
