Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
