Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
