3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
