Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
