Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
