Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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